Sunday, October 18, 2009

I awoke pain free! No BM this morning and no urge to but at least no pain. I also woke up sad, depressed and a little anxious. If you just try telling me why. What's my reason for going on and facing my ginormous problems. Why can't I grow to enormous size.

My family is very encouraging. Their support keeps me encouraged to stay in treatment until some productive resolution has been achieved. I look around and see how fortunate I truly am. I am hopeful that finally get on an upward trajectory and maintain it. That I can get off this merry go round once and for all. I appreciate others' insight here and feel that my input is appreciated in return. I don't feel like broken piano key here. I feel like my opinions and insights are valued as a unique perspective here in group. I have had at various times the most tranquil sleep I've had in years. What a god send. I mean, a science send.

The Mask

I have gotten so good at wearing a mask that it's hard to know the person behind it anymore. My mask is happy, successful and well adjusted. My mask can pull people in with humor but keep them at an arms length as well. My mask gives the outward impression that all is well with the jester, but inwardly I am scared, fragile and in desperate need of approval. My mask Also projects intelligence and superior intellect, as if to say "this here is a man who has the world by the tail". Underneath that is a person that can't productively navigate through even the simplest of life's obstacles. My mask covers the shame of being a failure at every attempt to pick myself up when I fall flat on my face. Every venture great or small. It covers the tremendous guilt I harbor for the burden I put on my family, that stands by me, steadfast through my darkest hours. And I am unable to return the unflappable kindness to them.

My mask is a clean shaven, well groomed, smiling face perched atop a smartly pressed shirt. Beneath the surface of that is a slob of a boy with greasy hair, that is in need of a trimming, and unkempt beard on an expressionless face and some shirt chosen at random from the floor.