I woke at 5 a.m. to a feeling of desperation. Get out of bed! Get moving! Do something profound! is that normal? Is is new? I'd say it's normal for me and not new. But it's all relative, right?
The thoughts of suicide come creeping slowly. I think: I don't want to keep doing the same thing anymore. Not one more time. I'm prepared to put my family through one more agonizing moment to draw this whole horrible mess to a close.
What do I wake up for?
I wake up for the same reasons as anyone else. I want to try and squeeze a drop of joy out of an otherwise dismal life. So I jump out of bed as we all do, and do something. Anything. I struggle to find my path, which is just a pretentious way of saying the task that hurts the least. But that's OK because I need the distraction. Why do I wake up? Because I haven't done a single thing right in my life including suicide.
What do I fight for?
I am not fighting for anything. I have no fight left in me. That's why I'm here.
Die young and leave a good looking corpse.
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