Thursday, September 11, 2008

Well, I sent out a birthday card to Makynna today. It is the most adorable card ever. I knew as soon as I picked it up it was perfect. If it makes it all the way to Makynna, I am sure it will get a smile. That makes Me happy. I hesitated when it came time to sign the card though. I didn't know how I should sign it. After some thought I decided to sign it "Dad" with a heart next to it. As I wrote it I felt a reverence for the title wash over me. My Dad has been my savior and rock. I want to be that for her too. I felt like I was embarking on a wonderful and challenging task. To become Makynna's Dad, Father, Protector, Teacher, Rock, Friend....

It's clear to me now. I know what I need to do. Take all the things that my Father gave me, try to make them better, and give them to Makynna.


Saturday, September 20, 2008

I have been feeling quite stressed and a little depressed the past couple of weeks. I think this is a good time to practice positive explanatory style. Some of the things that have me feeling this way are the fact that my Monster stole my home detention money from me and left me in a tight spot. the elliptical machine broke and threw off my work out schedule. I hate my job and resent it for not paying more, helping to create my financial stress. I'm fucking lonely. I wish I had a good girl that would spend time with me. I can't afford to eat well. I want to start the P90X program but cannot afford to buy the food required for the nutrition plan. I am still waiting for IPFW to let me apply and register for classes. I have to ride a bike to work. The Monster is insane and makes this home a battle ground.

I really have plenty to be thankful for though and I know it. Everyone except the monster is being very supportive and helpful. if it weren't for Dad and Joyce I wouldn't be able to do this. I have done 178 days thus far with this damn anklet on and only have 69 more to go. I have a pretty understanding case manager. I have a job despite it not being a great one. It does allow me to pay my fees and stay out of jail. I have had a ton of interviews lately and there is a good chance one of them will offer ma a job. Despite the monster making it more difficult than it has to be I do have a comfortable place to do my sentence. Augustus, has a place for me to move into as soon as I get off this program. I have not smoked a cigarette in nearly ten months and my lungs are as strong as they have been since I was in the army. I found Yoga and I love it. I feel closer to my family than I have in so many years.

I worked out today. The first time in about three weeks. It felt so good. I used the P90X cardio workout video and it worked wonderfully. I was sweaty and out of breath when I finished. My shoulders and legs are spent. I see good thing s coming of this. Then I went to work and ate salad for lunch and dinner after having oatmeal for breakfast. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me that good days are not just arbitrarily had, they are made. I have to live according to my belieft and values to feel good about myself and to ahve a good day.

Good Days Are Made!!

Monday, October 13, 2008

I called the prosecutor today and they told me that Nicole has initiated the court to establish paternity. I was initially heartbroken about this, holding out a little hope that she was willing to work things out with me alone and not through the court. Then, as I allowed the news to seep in, I came to the realization that at least I am making progress toward getting visitation with my little girl. That is the ultimate goal. It brought everything back into focus again. What I need to do and why I am doing it.

I need to concentrate on getting promoted at work. I need a decent wage, and a reasonable amount of hours to accommodate my schedule at school. I need to find a way to get myself into school this spring if at all possible. I need to focus on getting off this program. I am going to go to school full time in pursuit of my Bachelors of Philosophy. Going to school August through May, then spending time with Makynna and working in the summer. I am going to make health and fitness a cornerstone of my life.

I need to concentrate on getting into school this spring. It is very important to me to get back on track with my education. I am going to look into getting a loan for the $600 that I owe IVY Tech. I cannot afford to save the money while on house arrest. There is a small chance that I could borrow it from Dad and Joyce until my check comes from financial aid.

I need to work on getting promoted at work. I can do this by making every effort to demonstrate my willingness to take on the responsibility , by making every effort to learn the different positions, by learning to see the whole picture and make sure the process runs smoothly, by taking constructive criticism and implementing it and by gaining the respect of my coworkers.

I want to continue to improve my fitness level by maintaining a consistent and challenging exercise schedule of at least 3-4 days a week of cardio. I also, want to re-establish a personal rule of not eating after 8pm. [On days that I work this rule is suspended when necessary] Also, I am going to start doing Yoga stretch every day. It's only a twenty minute stretch and breathing worko9ug and can be done easily if planned for. I need to make sure I'm getting in bed at a reasonable hour. Getting to bed late messes up my eating habit and keeps me from seizing the day.