I just woke up, 6 a.m. on the nose. How do I feel? Hollow, empty, defeated, helpless, worthless. I can't think. I feel like a vacuum where a person once was. I'm the leftover shell of a human being. Devoid of any real expression of emotion.
Dear family and friends,
I apologize for parting with you the way I did. I know you will grieve for me one last time, but you must know that I was in pain and saw fit to seek relief. I shot myself in the heart because I thought it fitting to die of a broken heart.
Please do not be angry with me. My whole life has been a series of tragedies the sum of which was an obstacle of monstrous proportions. I fought as hard as I could but, ultimately, have been dealt the final and crushing blow. Even with all your help it is too late for me. Allow me the mercy of a quick and painless death instead of a long , drawn out, painful torture. Please don't be angry with me.
I loved you all more than I can express. More than I did express. My love for you was as unique as the individual who inspired it. I know your hearts ached for me many times and I am sorry for that. The things I've done to the people I love are heartbreaking to recall.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Goodbye,
I apologize for leaving all of you the way I did. I know you will grieve at my parting. Please think of it as a mercy killing. I am finally at peace after so many years of anguish. I have had much time to look back and relish the fond memories of all you.
I tried, in my own way, to get my life out of the ditch but never really managed to get any traction. Even with all your help.
I shot myself in the heart because it seemed fitting that I die of a broken heart. And so that you could all have an in tact face to say goodbye to. I loved you all more than I can express. I'm sorry for all the things I've done that brought hurt and sadness to you. I just can't go on hurting the people I love anymore. Please understand. Please forgive me.
Joyce, you were the best mother I ever had. Dad, I wish I could have had your sense of Justice, right and wrong. Cary ,you were my big brother. I still look up to you. You were my teacher, I wish I was a better student. Mandy, my little sister. I'm so proud of you. Who would have thought that I'd looked up to you? You showed me what tenacity means.
Matt you were like my other brother growing up. We shared some amazing memories. You went your way and I stayed behind. We both knew it was just a matter of time. That's how it happens livin' life by the drop.
What's it like there outside
With the living
A broken down place to hide
From the living
Oh the bottle has been to me
My oldest friend, my worst enemy
Oh the lovers I've gambled and lost
Squandered my chances whatever the cost
And I don't care to stay
With the living
With the living
I apologize for leaving all of you the way I did. I know you will grieve at my parting. Please think of it as a mercy killing. I am finally at peace after so many years of anguish. I have had much time to look back and relish the fond memories of all you.
I tried, in my own way, to get my life out of the ditch but never really managed to get any traction. Even with all your help.
I shot myself in the heart because it seemed fitting that I die of a broken heart. And so that you could all have an in tact face to say goodbye to. I loved you all more than I can express. I'm sorry for all the things I've done that brought hurt and sadness to you. I just can't go on hurting the people I love anymore. Please understand. Please forgive me.
Joyce, you were the best mother I ever had. Dad, I wish I could have had your sense of Justice, right and wrong. Cary ,you were my big brother. I still look up to you. You were my teacher, I wish I was a better student. Mandy, my little sister. I'm so proud of you. Who would have thought that I'd looked up to you? You showed me what tenacity means.
Matt you were like my other brother growing up. We shared some amazing memories. You went your way and I stayed behind. We both knew it was just a matter of time. That's how it happens livin' life by the drop.
What's it like there outside
With the living
A broken down place to hide
From the living
Oh the bottle has been to me
My oldest friend, my worst enemy
Oh the lovers I've gambled and lost
Squandered my chances whatever the cost
And I don't care to stay
With the living
With the living
Questionnaire from Behavior Health
Who are you most intimidated by?
I am most intimidated by my father. he always does the right thing and always tells the truth. He is so good that he shames me.
Who can you tell almost anything to?
Matt. My best friend growing up. We experienced a lot of things together. Matt and I can share things with each other only we know about.
Who can you ask for what you need?.
My Dad and Joyce. They have always been there when I've needed them. Unquestionably.
Are you able to say no?
It used to be nearly impossible for me to say no, but with age I'm learning. I still have a ways to go.
Do you find it necessary to get loud when you speak your mind?
NO. Quite the contrary. I prefer to speak in somber tones when speaking my mind.
Do you generally like people?
I'd have to admit no. I am usually suspicious of people and initially distrusting of their motives. I generalize people. I generally assume people have a negative opinion of me.
Do you tend to keep away from others?
I suppose yes, mostly I do. I am not a person with many friends and I don't tend to reach out to others often.
Do you like to dominate?
I would have to say generally no.
Are you tactful?
Yes, I was raised with "please" and "thank you", "yes sir" and "yes ma'am".
Do you communicate better on the phone?
No. I am more expressive and animated in person.
I am most intimidated by my father. he always does the right thing and always tells the truth. He is so good that he shames me.
Who can you tell almost anything to?
Matt. My best friend growing up. We experienced a lot of things together. Matt and I can share things with each other only we know about.
Who can you ask for what you need?.
My Dad and Joyce. They have always been there when I've needed them. Unquestionably.
Are you able to say no?
It used to be nearly impossible for me to say no, but with age I'm learning. I still have a ways to go.
Do you find it necessary to get loud when you speak your mind?
NO. Quite the contrary. I prefer to speak in somber tones when speaking my mind.
Do you generally like people?
I'd have to admit no. I am usually suspicious of people and initially distrusting of their motives. I generalize people. I generally assume people have a negative opinion of me.
Do you tend to keep away from others?
I suppose yes, mostly I do. I am not a person with many friends and I don't tend to reach out to others often.
Do you like to dominate?
I would have to say generally no.
Are you tactful?
Yes, I was raised with "please" and "thank you", "yes sir" and "yes ma'am".
Do you communicate better on the phone?
No. I am more expressive and animated in person.
Tuesday, October 26, 2009
Kristy,
It's all I can do to keep from calling you tonight. It's an exercise in will power. But ultimately I will call you tomorrow.
I am really glad I had the opportunity to meet you. God himself must have sent you to me. Just kidding. I'm an Atheist. It must have been science.
It's all I can do to keep from calling you tonight. It's an exercise in will power. But ultimately I will call you tomorrow.
I am really glad I had the opportunity to meet you. God himself must have sent you to me. Just kidding. I'm an Atheist. It must have been science.
Monday, October 27, 2009
I have just arrived home from the Behavioral Health Clinic. I was up there for two weeks and a day. 15 days. My worst possible fears came true. Joyce was drunk and trying to control every aspect of my return. I am terribly disappointed in her. I understand though. it's her coping mechanism. It's how she deals with stress after it builds up. It makes perfect sense. I still hate it. It makes me feel sorry for Dad. I know he is bothered by it too and appears really irritated and uncomfortable. He isn't sure what to do about his fragile son and drunk wife. I wonder what Joyce is running from.
A dialogue between Douche and Myself
Douche: I can't take the meth induced over-caffinated drizzle right now.
Me: Hold on. It's a bumpy ride, but....I'm lying. You go right ahead and put yourself out of your misery.
Douche: I would rather soak in a bathtub filled with chum, then hurl myself into a pool filled with genetically altered sharks who have high tech lasers attached to their dorsal fins than sit through this right now.
Me: Spot on! I would rather wear Salomi underwear while swimming through a Parana filled lake. Oh, and while being beaten by a fat man on a skidoo. Ya, I'd rather do that than sit another minute of this verbose wind bag
Douche: I would rather cover myself with "Match Light" and then be brutally raped by a gorilla with a lit road flare.
Me: I'd rather make sweet sweet love to the new girl in pink. She's my Mona Lisa (my favorite work of art), my ballerina (doing Pierette's in the dark). I want to have her babies.
Douche: She seems nice. I hope your able to penetrate the walls of her vagina.
Me: Science be with you. I also hope that I can copulate with her.
Me: Hold on. It's a bumpy ride, but....I'm lying. You go right ahead and put yourself out of your misery.
Douche: I would rather soak in a bathtub filled with chum, then hurl myself into a pool filled with genetically altered sharks who have high tech lasers attached to their dorsal fins than sit through this right now.
Me: Spot on! I would rather wear Salomi underwear while swimming through a Parana filled lake. Oh, and while being beaten by a fat man on a skidoo. Ya, I'd rather do that than sit another minute of this verbose wind bag
Douche: I would rather cover myself with "Match Light" and then be brutally raped by a gorilla with a lit road flare.
Me: I'd rather make sweet sweet love to the new girl in pink. She's my Mona Lisa (my favorite work of art), my ballerina (doing Pierette's in the dark). I want to have her babies.
Douche: She seems nice. I hope your able to penetrate the walls of her vagina.
Me: Science be with you. I also hope that I can copulate with her.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Today I woke up rejuvenated for the first time in a very long time. I am going to ask the Doc if there is something cheaper or free samples I can use for a couple months of seroquel. It's so expensive. I won't be able to afford it.
Unknown Hinson!
Unknown Hinson!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I just cannot imagine going back to my life. Everyone seems so fuckin' intent on keeping me alive and adequately un-dangerous to myself. I am constantly bombarded by thoughts of myself dead. A young corpse. Finally pulling the trigger and putting myself out of my misery. When finally I can't hurt anyone anymore. The Merry Go Round finally winds down. Silent and still. The camera pans out, roll credits, play some sappy music. Everyone goes on with their lives. I know it will cause a lot of sorrow but it's just one last time. It's my life.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Douche says there is some guy out there willing to take advantage of me - You cellibate piece of shit. I hate douche.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Empty as a brain fart. I want to be sedated all day and then tranquilized to sleep at night. Should the world come knocking at my door I'll slip out the back.
Watch Mash, I'm Hawkeye, says Douche
Watch Mash, I'm Hawkeye, says Douche
Monday, October 19, 2009
I woke at 5 a.m. to a feeling of desperation. Get out of bed! Get moving! Do something profound! is that normal? Is is new? I'd say it's normal for me and not new. But it's all relative, right?
The thoughts of suicide come creeping slowly. I think: I don't want to keep doing the same thing anymore. Not one more time. I'm prepared to put my family through one more agonizing moment to draw this whole horrible mess to a close.
What do I wake up for?
I wake up for the same reasons as anyone else. I want to try and squeeze a drop of joy out of an otherwise dismal life. So I jump out of bed as we all do, and do something. Anything. I struggle to find my path, which is just a pretentious way of saying the task that hurts the least. But that's OK because I need the distraction. Why do I wake up? Because I haven't done a single thing right in my life including suicide.
What do I fight for?
I am not fighting for anything. I have no fight left in me. That's why I'm here.
Die young and leave a good looking corpse.
The thoughts of suicide come creeping slowly. I think: I don't want to keep doing the same thing anymore. Not one more time. I'm prepared to put my family through one more agonizing moment to draw this whole horrible mess to a close.
What do I wake up for?
I wake up for the same reasons as anyone else. I want to try and squeeze a drop of joy out of an otherwise dismal life. So I jump out of bed as we all do, and do something. Anything. I struggle to find my path, which is just a pretentious way of saying the task that hurts the least. But that's OK because I need the distraction. Why do I wake up? Because I haven't done a single thing right in my life including suicide.
What do I fight for?
I am not fighting for anything. I have no fight left in me. That's why I'm here.
Die young and leave a good looking corpse.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I awoke pain free! No BM this morning and no urge to but at least no pain. I also woke up sad, depressed and a little anxious. If you just try telling me why. What's my reason for going on and facing my ginormous problems. Why can't I grow to enormous size.
My family is very encouraging. Their support keeps me encouraged to stay in treatment until some productive resolution has been achieved. I look around and see how fortunate I truly am. I am hopeful that finally get on an upward trajectory and maintain it. That I can get off this merry go round once and for all. I appreciate others' insight here and feel that my input is appreciated in return. I don't feel like broken piano key here. I feel like my opinions and insights are valued as a unique perspective here in group. I have had at various times the most tranquil sleep I've had in years. What a god send. I mean, a science send.
The Mask
I have gotten so good at wearing a mask that it's hard to know the person behind it anymore. My mask is happy, successful and well adjusted. My mask can pull people in with humor but keep them at an arms length as well. My mask gives the outward impression that all is well with the jester, but inwardly I am scared, fragile and in desperate need of approval. My mask Also projects intelligence and superior intellect, as if to say "this here is a man who has the world by the tail". Underneath that is a person that can't productively navigate through even the simplest of life's obstacles. My mask covers the shame of being a failure at every attempt to pick myself up when I fall flat on my face. Every venture great or small. It covers the tremendous guilt I harbor for the burden I put on my family, that stands by me, steadfast through my darkest hours. And I am unable to return the unflappable kindness to them.
My mask is a clean shaven, well groomed, smiling face perched atop a smartly pressed shirt. Beneath the surface of that is a slob of a boy with greasy hair, that is in need of a trimming, and unkempt beard on an expressionless face and some shirt chosen at random from the floor.
My family is very encouraging. Their support keeps me encouraged to stay in treatment until some productive resolution has been achieved. I look around and see how fortunate I truly am. I am hopeful that finally get on an upward trajectory and maintain it. That I can get off this merry go round once and for all. I appreciate others' insight here and feel that my input is appreciated in return. I don't feel like broken piano key here. I feel like my opinions and insights are valued as a unique perspective here in group. I have had at various times the most tranquil sleep I've had in years. What a god send. I mean, a science send.
The Mask
I have gotten so good at wearing a mask that it's hard to know the person behind it anymore. My mask is happy, successful and well adjusted. My mask can pull people in with humor but keep them at an arms length as well. My mask gives the outward impression that all is well with the jester, but inwardly I am scared, fragile and in desperate need of approval. My mask Also projects intelligence and superior intellect, as if to say "this here is a man who has the world by the tail". Underneath that is a person that can't productively navigate through even the simplest of life's obstacles. My mask covers the shame of being a failure at every attempt to pick myself up when I fall flat on my face. Every venture great or small. It covers the tremendous guilt I harbor for the burden I put on my family, that stands by me, steadfast through my darkest hours. And I am unable to return the unflappable kindness to them.
My mask is a clean shaven, well groomed, smiling face perched atop a smartly pressed shirt. Beneath the surface of that is a slob of a boy with greasy hair, that is in need of a trimming, and unkempt beard on an expressionless face and some shirt chosen at random from the floor.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Check out Flyleaf. Recommended by Douche
My back not hurting would be my first indication that I am going to have a great day. I would open my eyes to see that I am sleeping on one hundred dollar bills next to Hope Sandoval. I realize that the past 15 years has been nothing but a terrible nightmare and my bathrobe is hanging on the bathroom door.
My back not hurting would be my first indication that I am going to have a great day. I would open my eyes to see that I am sleeping on one hundred dollar bills next to Hope Sandoval. I realize that the past 15 years has been nothing but a terrible nightmare and my bathrobe is hanging on the bathroom door.
five things are are good about my life
1. a family that is supportive
2. a sense of humor
3. a great bathrobe
4. my freedom
5. my intellect
1. a family that is supportive
2. a sense of humor
3. a great bathrobe
4. my freedom
5. my intellect
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I can't concentrate. I keep trying to read Angela's Ashes and my mind wanders after a couple lines. Also, I can't seem to poop. the side effect of my medication, I'm told.
I should read "Kens Guide To The Bible". Recommended by Rick.
So, Rodney told me some pretty significant news today. He and his new girlfriend are expecting. He had just learned this during visitation and it was obvious in group therapy that his world had been rocked. I am hopeful and anguished for him. I hope it brings him joy and puts him on an upward trajectory. I hope he finds peace in not having to think about himself all of the time and embraces that sense of responsibility for that child. I also feel a sense of pain for him because it further creates a sense of gut wrenching urgency to his already frantic worry.
I am awake at 3 a.m. feeling a bit anxious. Is it possible that I don't recognize what's going on inside me? That, for years, I've woke up with a racing mind and labeled it restlessness? Or depression, a case for the blues? Ya know? What if this Merry Go Round is really a vortex that I'll never get out of without help? If I accept that, it changes the landscape of my world completely.
It might be too late for me. I am 33 with nothing to show for my adult life. I have only what has been provided for me and a few insignificant token remains of a shattered and splintered life. That's a bitter pill to swallow. A big mountain to climb.
It seems logical to me that if the scale of happy and content vs. unhappy and discontent have been tipped to the unhappy side for so long, just stop the fucking madness. Hit the bench kid, ya suck!
I bet with death comes sweet release. To me, a significant relief. The Merry Go Round finally winds down until it goes silent and still. Roll credits, play some sad song, fade to black, everyone get on with there lives.
I don't believe in an afterlife. I think you get one crack at this and there are no rewards or punishments for the way we live our lives. At least not upon death. We have a reward and punishment system while your living, but it's flawed. I'm flawed. Somewhere there is a glitch in the system and it's significant enough to merit terminating the whole darn thing.
What is this bothersome self preservation instinct? And why do others feel the need to keep me alive? Even at great sacrifice? Is that noble? Or is it foolish and meddling? It seems to me that if a person wants to be removed from the gene pool, if they are unsuccessful and defective, we should let them go. It's survival of the fittest and cutting the weak out of the heard.
I always have hated saying "I want to die". It sounds so pretentious. Like a spoiled little girl that was told she can't take butterscotch the pony home from the fair. She folds her arms and sticks out her bottom lip. "I'll just kill myself then. I want to die daddy". Bla bla bla. Boo fucking hoo.
I absolutely feel like I want to die but telling anyone is an abomination. I guess I'm telling my journal. I no longer want to live. I don't have the will to trudge on. My spirit has been broken, what is the point in picking up the pieces again? let the chips fall where they may. I want to die. I'm sorry for the pain it will cause, but I want to die. I am ready to die. I want to die.
I should read "Kens Guide To The Bible". Recommended by Rick.
So, Rodney told me some pretty significant news today. He and his new girlfriend are expecting. He had just learned this during visitation and it was obvious in group therapy that his world had been rocked. I am hopeful and anguished for him. I hope it brings him joy and puts him on an upward trajectory. I hope he finds peace in not having to think about himself all of the time and embraces that sense of responsibility for that child. I also feel a sense of pain for him because it further creates a sense of gut wrenching urgency to his already frantic worry.
I am awake at 3 a.m. feeling a bit anxious. Is it possible that I don't recognize what's going on inside me? That, for years, I've woke up with a racing mind and labeled it restlessness? Or depression, a case for the blues? Ya know? What if this Merry Go Round is really a vortex that I'll never get out of without help? If I accept that, it changes the landscape of my world completely.
It might be too late for me. I am 33 with nothing to show for my adult life. I have only what has been provided for me and a few insignificant token remains of a shattered and splintered life. That's a bitter pill to swallow. A big mountain to climb.
It seems logical to me that if the scale of happy and content vs. unhappy and discontent have been tipped to the unhappy side for so long, just stop the fucking madness. Hit the bench kid, ya suck!
I bet with death comes sweet release. To me, a significant relief. The Merry Go Round finally winds down until it goes silent and still. Roll credits, play some sad song, fade to black, everyone get on with there lives.
I don't believe in an afterlife. I think you get one crack at this and there are no rewards or punishments for the way we live our lives. At least not upon death. We have a reward and punishment system while your living, but it's flawed. I'm flawed. Somewhere there is a glitch in the system and it's significant enough to merit terminating the whole darn thing.
What is this bothersome self preservation instinct? And why do others feel the need to keep me alive? Even at great sacrifice? Is that noble? Or is it foolish and meddling? It seems to me that if a person wants to be removed from the gene pool, if they are unsuccessful and defective, we should let them go. It's survival of the fittest and cutting the weak out of the heard.
I always have hated saying "I want to die". It sounds so pretentious. Like a spoiled little girl that was told she can't take butterscotch the pony home from the fair. She folds her arms and sticks out her bottom lip. "I'll just kill myself then. I want to die daddy". Bla bla bla. Boo fucking hoo.
I absolutely feel like I want to die but telling anyone is an abomination. I guess I'm telling my journal. I no longer want to live. I don't have the will to trudge on. My spirit has been broken, what is the point in picking up the pieces again? let the chips fall where they may. I want to die. I'm sorry for the pain it will cause, but I want to die. I am ready to die. I want to die.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
So, I am sitting in my room right now. It's kind of like lock down in jail, because there was a fight leading up to this. A cat fight no less. Women that are emotionally unstable and being petty. It's almost laughable.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Well, I've survived my first full day at the stress center. I find it odd that it's called the "Stress Center". Shouldn't it be called the "Stress Free Center" or "Stress Management Center"? I feel so confused. Yesterday I wanted to die. I really really did. I was intent on getting it done this time. But today I don't feel that way. I still don't care about anything, but the talk I had with Dad, Joyce and Cary was profound and cathartic.
I still feel like I have nothing to live for. I'm still riding the Merry Go Round.
What's it like there outside
with the living
I've found a place that I can hide
from the living
and I don't care to stay
with the living
I still feel like I have nothing to live for. I'm still riding the Merry Go Round.
What's it like there outside
with the living
I've found a place that I can hide
from the living
and I don't care to stay
with the living
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