Terribly Lonely All The Time

I don't know where to begin. There is so much to cover. First and foremost I am in a financial bind because of my Monster. She stole 250 bucks from me that was supposed to go to my Home Detention fees. So now I have that monkey on my back. They will either put me in jail for the remainder of my sentence or Dad and Joyce will come to the rescue again. She just up and spent it. Didn't ask me or tell me or apologize or even so much as a "Fuck you". Just did as she pleased and then pretended that she didn't just steal the money that was going to keep me out of jail. She knew quite well what that money was for too. It was no secret. I told her when I got it what I needed it for. I hate her. I truly do. I can't wait to be out of here. I made a promise to myself a long time ago about making better choices about the people I associate with and she is not excluded from that resolution. when I get my freedom she will be nothing more than a bad memory. I'll see her in hell and not before. [not that I believe in hell, but oddly enough, she does. I guess stealing, as long as it is from a family member, is not considered a sin?].

So, now the house is divided again because the Monster cannot get along with anyone for long. Hence her many marriages, all ending in divorce, her abandoning her children numerous times, and generally all of her personal relationships ending up in the ditch. I am muzzled by my need to have a place to do my house arrest sentence and her readiness and willingness to send me right to jail so quickly. Her finger was on that trigger earlier when she tried to evict me on moral grounds and I have no reason to believe that things have changed. She is unstable. As unstable as I remember from my childhood. She is still the vengeful Monster that destroyed everyone's things when she got angry. And she would have you believe that she is a martyr. Everyone and everything conspires against her and her happiness. "Woe-is-me!" Rubbish.

Also, I have not been able to work out for the past two weeks or so because the elliptical machine broke. I don't know what the fuck happened to it. The resistance won't increase so I'm going out of my head without my stress reliever. But I've decided to start working out again without the necessity of the elliptical machine. Starting tomorrow.

I hate my job like a cat hates water. I find it repulsive. Every day that I subject myself to that torture a little piece of me dies inside. Bit by bit to the smallest part, I am dying.

I have just been denied for any modification, which is not a real surprise but I have to admit, I was holding out some hope.

I just got denied for any assistance for my fees from the Positive Pathways Program. That would have been a stress reliever but once again I was denied any sort of reprieve.



And to be quite honest I am terribly lonely. The Monster is not much company. She is either morbidly depressed or agonizingly euphoric. There isn't much middle ground with her. When I get the chance to meet someone outside of work it's usually someone that I would avoid if I weren't so fucking lonely.

I miss everyone and everything. I am terribly lonely all the time. Even when i'm at work. I have done this all on my own.

I am tired of being forced to surround myself with the ignorant and arrogant criminal element down at the community corrections building. I know that I should just make a go of being single, but I am compelled, due to my intense desire to curtail my loneliness, to find a girlfriend.