it's 6am. I have been up since five. this is the worst part of the day for me. now that i'm geodon. it makes me wake up feeling very restless. it takes all of my presense of mind to keep my legs from bouncing. the second that i take my mind off of my legs they start jumping around. it's really annoying.

I have a hard time concentrating on anything for long. My mind is racing with thoughts and I can't seem to hold on to a thought for very long. I am taking straterra to try and remedy this but I don't think it's doing me a bit of good. I still can't concentrate. I guess that's why it's called ADHD. It would be amazing if I could focus. I would feel so liberated. if I drink even the slightest little bit of coffee I am super wired. I am going to have to keep tweaking my meds until i can find relief.

I am applying for medicade and SSDI. I am hopeful that I'll get accepted by both, but I know it's a long road ahead of me. I don't expect anything to happen quickly. even getting on medicade is going to be more of a waiting game than I had initially anticipated. Social Secutirty Dissability Insurance is supposed to be the long process. I admit that I am a little pessismistic about it's inevitable outcome. And when and if i do get accepted I am worried that it will be such a miniscule monthly check that it will foster me very little independence. yet I trudge on knowing that i'll never know unless i try.

I would love to be able to have my own apartment. to have some independence. to come and go as I please. It almost seems like a pipe-dream.

Chapters in my autobiography

Goodbye to innocence - my parents divorce and the aftermath
The great mind-fuck - being raised as a Jehovah's witness
My Monster - living with and without mother in my life
Monster hunters - my favorite childhood game of imagination with Cary and Brandon
Self destruction in lima - a frightening tale of masochism
Love shack - youth gone mad with Matt
And then there was weed - my romance with marijuana
The terrible sadness - hitting rock bottom, confronting my demons a story of survival
Californication - the great escape from reality
Crazy Mary - a relatinship of shock and horror
91 Bravo - my military training experience
The clinck - going to jail for four months
Happily ever after - my new outlook on life and my future

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I couldn't tell you what I would be doing if I got out tomorrow. I just can't see into the future. I don't want a job, at least not a full time one. And if I did I'd have a hard time getting there without a car.

I want to drive every state in the country, making friends along the way. Making memories. I'd take a history book with me and see the places in it first hand. I'd read my books on philosophy and biographies of artists in the last light of the day. I will make my own decisions and reap its rewards or suffer the sting of punishment. I want to travel alone until i feel comfortable being me and trusting myself to make appropriate decisions.

I am going to drink coffee today to try to keep myself from napping and therefor sleep better at night. I wonder if being uncertain about my future is causing my restless nights?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I am making my goals for today to eat only selected portions of my meals and I stay out of my room.

I have been trying to figure out how I feel about having a commitment to Park Center. I guess I don't have enough information to decide if I like or dislike the idea.

I don't like the idea of Richmond hanging over my head. I don't like the idea of the courts getting involved. Seems to me anytime the courts get involved with anything they fuck it up.

Lesli said to journal about finding myself. Even the term "find yourself" sounds abstract. I just have no idea what that would mean.

a firm handshake

Rodney,

Well, I'm back. I bet you wish you could come back here or anywhere other than that abominable TCS. I really just want to reach out to you and let you know you're missed. I hope things are going well for you. I often think of you and I cringe at the thought of you being in a place that truely scares you. I imagine it like living at meps. I don't know.

I came back here because the question of how am I going to make it through the day alive, became too hard to answer. I wanted to escape. How is your girl? I hope you and her are keeping each other going. She sounded devistated when I talked to her after your initial court date. I hope you and her have a magical baby. Like a unicorn baby that poops little jelly beans that you can eat.

Kristy and I sort of have an understanding. I know that she has another dude in her "miserable" life and I am always second in line. For some reason I don't care much. Normally I would never be anyone's second string, but Kristy has a wicked awesome ass. So fuck it.
I hope you know that I am going to do whatever i can do to support you through this. (or as long as I live). I don't have many friends but I'd surely like to be yours. I hope I'm not coming off like a Rick here. I mean, all I'm saying is we should adopt a baby from Peru and start wearing fanny packs.

You are an interesting person. I generally find people transparent and uninteresting. and when I say interesting I mean that in a good way.

Lets see if I can outline what I've done since leaving the third floor. I immediately went to bed and stayed there until Kristy decided she wanted to call me. I would hang out with her with the idea of self destruction in my mind. But you can't self destruct with a girl like Kristy around you. She has never been to the deep and dark places that you and I have been to. So I end up having a glass of wine and falling asleep next to a girl that would rather be with someone else.

My dad has been worried about me so much that he spent his vacation watching over his broken son.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. I'll never say that they didn't have the right to step in, but it seems a bit extreeme to me. I think it's like using a crane to crush a fly. My heart goes out to ya man. not in a squishy, queer way either but in a chewing tobacco and a firm handshake kind of way. theoretically that is.

I can't wait until we can hang out together. What a douche.

What is the worst thing a parent can do to their children

Create in them a sense of worthlessness. To make a child believe that they don't matter and are inconsequential. To discover that their love is not reciprocated. This will have long lasting effects, well into adulthood, manifesting as chronic despair and diminished self worth. It teaches the weeping willow how to cry and the clouds how to cover up a clear blue sky.

Mother is the word for god on the lips of children.

wet blanket

You don't know me very well. You have only known me since Saturday. If you did know me you'd find me repulsive. I didn't want to tell you but I'm unlovable. I only bring heartache and misery on those who care for me. It's best if you know that now. It only takes time to see this. The very fact that you seem to like me so much makes me question your character.

I want to be someone filled with passion and living life on purpose. I want to fill my life with culture and knowlege and experiences. I am trying to live that way now but always feel that I fall short for various reasons.

Living with geodon every day is like living under a wet blanket. It is ever-present and suffocating. Like a wearing a concrete suit. It keeps me subdued all day long. concentrating becomes nearly impossible...

upon taking your leave

Whatever your reasons are (and I do presume your reasons are noble) your actions have been perceived by me as insensitive and malicious. there are many ways to interpret your recent behavior, but my past experiences tell me that you are quietly taking your leave of me. That silently, you are making a protest to some disliking that you've discovered about me. Well, it's disturbing but not surprising. I completely acknowledge myself to be a wholistic disappointment; a package better wrapped than actually opened.

Time after time...

Mother,

I'm learning it's hard to forgive as well as forget. There is so much you don't know about me. I have no friends. I self destruct when someone gets too close to me. I have an insatiable desire to be heard and accepted and understood. I crave praise and acknowledgement for my creativity. I haven't had a good nights rest in years. I can't look people in the eye without feeling they can see right into my shame. I'm ashamed of the way I live. I have set ablaze to to all my bridges and I've made nuces of all my lose ends. I have surrounded myself with darkness and sorrow. it has become my only solice and respite from the shame and guilt. But the darkness and loneliness is where my demons lie in wait for me. I have wrestled with my demons and lost time after time. Mom I've fought with your demons too!

Death needs but time.

This is an excerpt from a journal I kept a few years ago:

It's been some time, so it would appear,
Since, last, the Terrible Sadness was here.
The Black Knight Of Sorrow stalks me like prey,
Dread and woe cometh this way.
Like a seed that he patiently sows,
death needs but time, for in me it grows.

Something so Pitiful.

This is an excerpt from a journal I kept a few years ago:

What is it in you that draws me in? When I'm near you it feels like going home. You make me want to run away with you; to move to Spain, stay up all night and talk about our lives. There have been all too few people in my life that made me feel normal; that made me feel at peace with myself, my flaws, my insecrities, my struggle with "growing up". You helped me realize that in-fact there is something beautiful and reverent about imperfection.

I was always afraid of falling for you. I was afraid of you getting wounded when I self-destruct. I guess I knew that the blast radius would mame everyone around me. It always did. I think I learned this from mother.

Everyone I love would feel the impact. Not intentionally, of course, but when I would self destruct I did it huge. Like a ballet. Simply spell-binding. A display of utterly amazing self loathing and masochism. It's hard to look away from something so pitiful.

the end

this is my final fit. my fianal belly ache. by the end of the day I will be dead, by my own will. everyone keeps telling me to try harder. get better by trying harder. if I could get better by trying harder i would have done it. that is why i never saught help before. because I thought it was a matter of trying harder. this is no ones fault. it's just the way it goes. i'm sorry for the pain i will cause. I know it seems selfish. I'm sorry for the pain i've brought on all of you. but i'll bother you no more.

I'll never be happy. I'll never get it together. I'll always be that invariable fuck up. it's time for me to wise up.