it's 6am. I have been up since five. this is the worst part of the day for me. now that i'm geodon. it makes me wake up feeling very restless. it takes all of my presense of mind to keep my legs from bouncing. the second that i take my mind off of my legs they start jumping around. it's really annoying.

I have a hard time concentrating on anything for long. My mind is racing with thoughts and I can't seem to hold on to a thought for very long. I am taking straterra to try and remedy this but I don't think it's doing me a bit of good. I still can't concentrate. I guess that's why it's called ADHD. It would be amazing if I could focus. I would feel so liberated. if I drink even the slightest little bit of coffee I am super wired. I am going to have to keep tweaking my meds until i can find relief.

I am applying for medicade and SSDI. I am hopeful that I'll get accepted by both, but I know it's a long road ahead of me. I don't expect anything to happen quickly. even getting on medicade is going to be more of a waiting game than I had initially anticipated. Social Secutirty Dissability Insurance is supposed to be the long process. I admit that I am a little pessismistic about it's inevitable outcome. And when and if i do get accepted I am worried that it will be such a miniscule monthly check that it will foster me very little independence. yet I trudge on knowing that i'll never know unless i try.

I would love to be able to have my own apartment. to have some independence. to come and go as I please. It almost seems like a pipe-dream.