Sunday, March 6, 2011

Well, it's been nearly a year since my last post and I am still waiting to be approved for SSDI. I have a hearing in April that will finally bring all this to a conclusion. For better of for worse.

I can concentrate now. Dr. Lambertson put me on Ritalin. It has been the best thing for me since I started getting treatment for depression about two years ago. I can concentrate for long periods of time without fatigue. My mind is quick and crisp. I can read blazing fast. I have energy to get out of bed and get involved in activities all day long. I am interested in my hobbies like guitar, reading, writing, drawing and photography once again. for the past few years I had stopped doing any of these things because of lack of energy and I was just uninterested in anything for a long time there. It's amazing how it also changes the way I think. I open up and talk more. I am more confident. I am more logical and analytical. It's a great transformation.

I have been talking to my ex Mandy the past couple months. I found out she was doing time in a work release program in Indianapolis and just wrote her out of the blue. She responded immediately with alaracrity. There is a spark or romance or lust between us, but we have decided to not get too serious and avoid major commitments. I know myself well enough to know that I am undoubtedly going to grow feelings for her and be let down when she doesn't feel the same way. Even so, I am going to push on and enjoy the ride.

I have been doing some thinking about my desire for a relationship. I think I'm kidding myself. I don't really want a relationship and all the stress, effort and stamina they require. Maybe a casual relationship or two is more what I really want. someone that i can spend a couple days a month with, who won't care that I don't call every night, who isn't looking for a commitment right now. that's what i need. Maybe this Mandy thing is the propper fit after all.