When you find yourself in a hole

I was going through some old journals of mine and found some excerpts that give an idea of where my mind was not so many years ago:

What's the score here? I think I'm debating whether I should end it all or trudge on. It seems about even to me. I mean, I don't believe that when I die there will be anything waiting for me in a spiritual sense. I think it will be nothingness. In that regard it is its own punishment, but I also believe that when I die so too will the want and longing, and the hoping and aspiring. No more sour grapes. No more silhouettes of crooked trees in my mind. Like I said...nothing. Not so much as a whimper. On the other hand there is the option of fighting on again. I don't know. I'm having a pretty hard time envisioning success at any level in my life. As if it is reserved for other people, and somehow I am immune to happiness. Or diseased with sadness?

I feel that people generally don't understand me. How? What do people think of me? Most believe that I'm sensitive? I think so. I think they may also think I'm self assured? That I'm sufficiently intelligent. Those that are close enough to see, know that I'm damaged. I guess I don't really know what people must think of me. I think I am interesting if you look deep enough. I have thoughts that are poetic and beautiful at times. I also think I am a glutton for punishment.

A wiser man than me once said: "When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you should do is stop digging."

I would have called you a liar. This is not something that happens to people like me. Not this kind of ending. This is where we part ways? But here I am. . . Swallowed. I never did get much use out of this poor brain. I just moved from crisis to another. I never got back out of the hole I fell in. I dreamed, but kept myself from grabbing anything real.
Paranoia, paranoia everybody's coming to get me.
I've been looking over my shoulder for most of my life, sensing the stalker, the tragedy that would come to me like a disease. I've been hazed by existence. I'm ready I suppose.