Monster

What follows is a series of journal entries after having a blow out with my unstable mother. It's a long story as to the nature of my relationship with my mother. Suffice it to say, our relationship has been very distant up until recently.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

So this morning mother has the self-righteousness to tell me "Do me a favor, don't have sex in the house". Oh man that pissed me off. Not because she is being controlling or getting too personal (both of which are true), but because I know where this strange request comes from. she is being a "good christian woman" and does not want that kind of "sin" in her home. That pisses me off. How dare her and her narrow minded, elitist beliefs.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My mother is insane! She has become a zealot. She is on a witch hunt and I am apparently the prey. She is wrong on so many levels.

I was on the elliptical machine when she came home from the "Cult" meeting. (She is a Jehovah's Witness) She came into the room, made a poor attempt to appear casual, then commenced with the inquisition. She asked if I believed in the devil. I said "no", which should have halted her next question: "Then why do you glorify him?". Am I in the twilight zone? Is that not a creepy thing to hear, especially from your mother? I mean, I felt like I wasn't talking to my mother anymore, but a brainwashed, body-snatched zombie! Spooky!

Long story short, she tried to quote scriptures at me and told her I don't give a fuck what the bible says. Well, she didn't like that. But that to be expected. She is defined by that book. So she said "get out", and I know she had her finger on that trigger when she began this witch hunt. So, I will play along as best as I can, but she has hurt me for the last time. As soon as I can get away from her she will find that I have a will too. That I don't like some of the things she does. I won't even talk to her unless it is to point out how wrong and blind she is. But mostly I will never let her be a part of my life ever again.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Mother,

Maybe if you don't like what I'm reading you shouldn't snoop through my things. You have violated my trust for the last time. Henceforth, you shall never be granted access to the inner sanctum of my trust. You are reckless with other peoples hearts and I will not condone it any longer. You are an emotional child grasping for an identity in your so-called spirituality. Your "religion" has pitted you against your mother, your husbands, your children, friends and generally the world. You have used scripture to justify all of this too. As if the bible condones the abandonment of your 'goldly' duty to your family. You couldn't think your way out of your problems so you choose to feed from the same trough that all religious zealots feed from. You are a lonely, bitter, self-righteous, weak minded, weak willed, defeatist that has delusions about your piety. You have managed to live your entire life blaming everyone around you for your woes, and if your "god" encourages such a life, I don't want any part of it.

I don't believe in hell. I believe you can create a living hell for yourself by making bad decisions and not living in alignment with natures laws. what does your bible say about mothers who abandon their children?

Despite what you think(and I don't believe you tuely think I'm an evil person, but rather it is a convenient weapon) I am not evil. But you have crossed that bridge. You accused me of doing the devil's work? Firstly, take a good look in the mirror. I think you'll find the problem that you are so adamant about lies within you. Secondly, fuck off.

You have burnt all your bridges. Look at your life. This is just another episode that is going to end like every other one in your train-wreck life. This time I will light the match for you. From this point on you will no longer be thought of as my mother, you are now my Monster.

I guess I should say that I don't believe you. You are not concerned that I'm inhibiting your "spiritual" growth. That's an excuse to cut and run again. Not that I expect you to admit it. I can see your wheels turning.

You never made any request of me, and then you come out of nowhere with this shape-up or ship-out fuckery? Who do you think you are? You have no loyalty. None. Maybe that's why the only constant in your lonely life is a dog. When the going gets tough, you get going.

For all your religious pontificating you are doing th devils good work as well as anyone. You have abandoned everyone who ever gave a shit about you, and not so much as attempted to make amends or reconcile the damage you've done. You are rude and disrespectful to your own mother. You are mean, nasty, and generally unkind to her. And all the all the gripes you have about her...you exemplify. You don't listen, you stick you nose in shit that is none of you business, you preach to everyone, you are affectionate to your loved ones, you can't coexist with anyone for long because you start to blame them for every inconvenience that you must suffer.

Your life is in rubble and ruin and you can't pretend that going to church and doing all your busy work is the cure. It didn't work before and it won't work this time.

Do what you want, but don't shove your god down my throat. You can see quite clearly by your own mothers example that it is distasteful. Because we, (the world) have our own views but we have the decency to keep them to ourselves unless asked.

Do you think you've handled this situation well? That's one question I wish you would think about. Do you feel good about the way you approached me? Attacked me? Do you feel that you demonstrated maturity, understanding, compassion, even-handedness, love?